Melissa's New Donut Store

WASHINGTON-- Melissa, the highly popular Mexican pop singer and daughter of El Mencho, the former head of the Knights Templar, visited Washington DC at the invitation of General James Jacoby, Jr. of the US NORTHCOM and SOCNORTH Military Divisions to deliver a concert, attended by a number of American dignitaries.

While she departed for the airport, authorities attempted to arrest Melissa, on suspicion of her connections to the Knights Templar Cartel. However, Melissa had already boarded her flight to Mexico and was seated in first class. According to the airport staff, Melissa was not surprised or stressed out by the police at all.

Subsequently, authorities did find out that Meliss’s newly opened donut shop in Washington DC had been employing undocumented migrant workers. Most of the workers came from Mexico and immigration authorities have made preparations to deport much of her staff. They have also discovered that one of her donut lines incorporates marijuana into the donuts. Theses marijuana donuts only are available for certain groups of customers. In addition, marijuana donuts are ordered through special orders and are stamped with a KT (Kiwi-tangerine) logo. However, KT can be interpreted as Knights Templar as well. The DEA and FDA have since suspended the shop's operating license.

President Obama has explored all options towards the situation regarding the fifty hostages within the Israeli prison system following yesterday's flotilla incident. Exhausting all possibilities, it seems there is no feasible motion for the United States to receive and repatriate the hostages, several of which were Americans. Members of the United States Cabinet failed to create a feasible solution on the situation, despite their many resources, and thus have not be able to retrieve the hostages. The situation remains unresolved.

Arab League Boycott of Israel Strengthens

Economic pressure against Israel rose significantly this morning as Bahrain, the UAE, Saudi Arabia and Egypt agreed on additional boycotts against 10 categories of Israeli goods. In an unprecedented move, Saudi Aramco decided to enforce a ban on sale of Saudi petroleum products to Israel.

The TA-25 Israeli benchmark index reacted negatively to the news, plummeting 4.5% to 5-year lows. Oil futures traded in Tel Aviv climbed 10%.

Riots erupted in Jerusalem, Tel Aviv and other major cities over the expected rise in prices and the mismanagement of the country's foreign policy by the current administration. S&P, the major credit rating agency, lowered Israel's credit rating to BBB over fears that war would deteriorate the country's historically well run fiscal policy. The IMF issued a report criticizing the current administration, expecting a large hit to the country's balance of payments.

Press Release from the Office of the President of the Russian Federation

The Russian Federation extends its condolences for the loss of the great leader and ally Bashar Al-Assad. This is a great blow to freedom and stability in the region. The Russian Federation hopes for a peaceful transition of power in Ba’ath Party, and urges the continued fight against the Western Imperialist backed rebels in the country. Vladimir Putin has made preparations to attend the funeral of Assad, who has been a long-time personal friend of the President. 

ASSAD KILLED BY WIFE

ASSAD IS KILLED BY WIFE

BREAKING NEWS

Bashar Al-Assad has been assassinated by his wife, Asmaa al Assad. Asmaa allegedly stabbed him in his sleep while they were in bed in their palace in Damascus.

It has been leaked that Asmaa killed the dictator out of revenge for the death of her Al-Jazeera lover Mohammed. Reports tell us that she has fled back to the UK where she was born.

This news comes in the middle of a massive unfortunate series of events in Syria. The death of Assad will probably put an end to all the conflict.

US Sends Navy

Sunday, May 19th

London -

The United States Navy has mobilized elements of the Fifth Fleet to the Northwestern Gulf, off the the coast of Kuwait to standby until further instructions. These elements, designated "CTF 151" include the carrier, John C. Stennis, 2 Ticonderoga-class Cruisers, the USS Antietam and USS Leyte Gulf, as multi-mission support vessels, 3 Arleigh Burke-class Destroyers, the USS Barry, USS Litscher, and USS Laboon, 2 Wasp-class LHD vessels, the USS Wasp and USS Kearsage containing elements of the Marine Expeditionary Force, a Whidbey Island-class LSD, the USS Whidbey Island, the retasking of a P-3C Orion Long Range ASW Aircraft for the purpose of regional surveillance and overwatch for naval forces, as well as multiple logistical and supply vessels to support CTF 151. Other naval forces in the region will be put on standby, should their increased involvement or support is needed.

NATO Launches Bombing Campaign on Syria

A huge bombing campaign has been launched by NATO on Syria. American aircraft were deployed from Turkey in the early hours of the morning.